The Wind Done Gone
by Howlie
Summary: Funny parody of the film in which nothing is quite the way we thought it was. Hilarity ensues!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Gone With The Wind or any of the characters in this parody.

And off we go!

Scene One:

Scarlett- War war war. This war talk's spoiling all the fun at every party this spring. I get so bored I could scream. (Smiles widely. Too widely.) Besides, there isn't going to be any war.

The twins stare at her incredulously; then completely ignore what she said, rolling their eyes at each other.

Twin 1- (Muttering) Dude, why do we hang out with her?

Twin 2- Shrugs

T1- Anyway, war isn't it exciting?

S- If either of you boys says war just once again, I'll go in the house and slam the door.

Both Twins- WAR!

Scarlett then makes a huge show of standing up to leave. No one stops her. She makes it to the door before giving up.

S- Alright I'll stay. But remember! I warned you!

The twins ignore her again.

T1- So man are we going to the barbeque they're having at the Wilkes'?

T2- (shrugs) I guess since we can never do anything apart.

S- Oh yes! You can have all my waltzes! First Brent then Stuart then Brent then Stuart again. I promise!

The twins panic.

T1- But- but you can't do that to us!

T2- What if we tell you a secret?

T1- (desperately) Yes! A secret!

S-(suspiciously) About who?

T2- Well you know Miss Melanie Hamilton from Atlanta?

S- Uh…no…

T2- Well she's visi- What do you mean no? She was here last summer!

S- (sarcastically) Oh I magically remember her now.

T2- ANYWAY, she's visiting the Wilkes' at Twelve Oaks and everyone's saying that Ashley Wilkes is gonna marry her.

Scarlett is shocked.

T1- Now do we have to dance with you?

S- (not really listening.) Of course not.

She wanders off mumbling something about love.

The twins watch her until she's out of earshot.

T2- Dude I knew that would get her off our backs.

T1- You're brilliant bro. So is that actually true?

T2- Naw, man.

End Scene One.

A/N: Sooooo what do you think guys? Should I quit while I'm ahead? (Thanks for reading though!)


	2. Chapter 2

Scene Two:

The twins are at the Wilkes' visiting Ashley and his father the day before the party. Scarlett's father Gerald O'Hara is also there. All the men are laughing.

T1- So to get her off our backs we told her that Ashley was going to marry Melanie.

(All roar with laughter.)

T2- Yeah since she has such a big crush on him.

Ashley shudders at the thought.

A- You know though, Melanie always was real sweet. And my family has a history of marrying Hamiltons. I may actually decide to marry her.

(He slaps his hand on a nearby table.)

A- Hang on…just did! Thanks for the idea guys. I'll go talk to her dad. (He leaves the room.)

Twins shrug.

End Scene

A/N- I know this is not very long at all but I sort of wanted each scene to have its own chapter. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Scene Three

The same day, Gerald comes riding home to see Scarlett taking a walk. He tries to turn his horse around, but Scarlett has already spotted him.

S- (Running towards him and flailing her arms wildly) Pa! Pa! How proud of yourself you are!

G- (to himself) Damn it. What does she want now?

Scarlett rushes up to him and attempts to hug him but he awkwardly shakes her hand.

G- Uh…hey…you…

S-Let us walk! How are they all over at Twelve Oaks?

G- (stops walking.) Why? What've you heard?

S-…Uh – nothing.

G- Oh…well then JUST as you'd expect with the barbecue tomorrow. And WAR!

S- Was there anyone else there?

G-(nervously)…uh…(whispering) Melanie Hamilton.

S- What?

G- MELANIE HAMILTON OK?!

S- She's a pale faced mealy mouthed bitch! Ashley couldn't like anyone like her!

G- What does it matter to you? (knowing full well what it mattered to her.)

S- It's…it's nothing. Let's go into the house.

G- (sympathetically) Did he sleep with you and not call you again?

S- No! He said after the second time that he wouldn't do that!

G-….Right.

End Scene

A/N I know I skipped the end where they look at the land and all that but I couldn't think of anything funny to write for that bit. Till Later! And thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Scene Four

Ellen has just returned from Emmie Slattery's bedside. Mr. Wilkerson pops up.

W- Mrs. O'Hara we finished plowing the creek bottom today.

E- (dramatically) Mr. Wilkerson, I've just come from Emmie Slattery's bedside. Your child has been born.

W- Look, you know girls like that they're liable to pin it on any guy around. She's been with everyone who's to say it's mine?

Ellen is obviously shocked but continues with her speech.

E-Has been born and mercifully has died.

W- Oh. Well was it a boy or a girl?

E- Um…a girl.

W- Oh ok. Whew. What a relief. I might've been able to use a boy. That would've been a total waste.

Ellen stares at him open mouthed for a moment then goes inside slamming the door. Gerald greets her.

E- Mr. O'Hara, we must dismiss Jonas Wilkerson.

G- He's the best we've got. We keep Wilkerson.

E- He's out of here in the morning.

She then whispers the story in her husband's ear. He waves it off.

G- So what? She's a slut. She's been with everyone. I mean hell it could've been mi-- .

Ellen gives him a viscous glare.

G- (coughs) Er…well yes ok then…

Ellen leaves the office still giving him a suspicious look. Suddenly all three of her daughters tramp down the stairs at once.

Suellen- Scarlett's green dress is prettier than mine!

Carreen- Mother! Why can't I stay up for the ball tomorrow night? I'm 13!

Scarlett just stops on the steps and stares into space.

Suellen- Why can't she wear my pink dress?

E- I just came through the damn door! Do you think you could give me one freakin' minute? Suellen, it's Scarlett's dress. Guess who gets to decide if you can wear it? Careen, you're barely 13. Go play.

Both sigh dejectedly and leave the room. Scarlett is still standing on the stairs. Ellen tries to ignore her but she starts to drool.

E- (annoyed) What's wrong this time?

S- (dramatically) Oh….sigh I'm alright mother. sigh

E- Well wipe the spit of your chin and come say your prayers.

End Scene

A/N So that was chapter four/scene four. Now who enjoyed it? I know I did! Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

Scene Five

Scarlett is being crammed into her corset by Mammy who apparently doesn't give a fuck. Prissy comes in with the breakfast tray.

S- You can take it all back to the kitchen I won't eat a bite.

Mammy- (Ignoring her) Prissy just set it down she'll be eating the whole tray.

S- Nooooo Iiiii'mmmm Nooooot!

Prissy- What did she say?

M- (sighs) I don't know she went ultra-sonic again.

Outside dogs run away from the house; tails between their legs.

M- So what are you gonna wear?

S- (pointing to the green barbecue dress) That.

M- Slut.

Scarlett glares at Mammy.

M- I'm gonna tell yo ma about you. I don' give a fuck. You ain' leavin this house lookin' like no darn ho.

S- (Trying to be charming but failing miserably) If you say one word to mother…I won't eat a bite….

M- I don' give a fuck!

S- But-

Mammy has already swept Scarlett into a more appropriate dress and has stuffed a gravy covered biscuit in her mouth to shut her up. She then proceeds to force something into her mouth every three seconds.

M- (smiling cruelly) Now don't eat too fast.

Scarlett can handle no more and rips the napkin from her neck. Grabbing her umbrella she leaves.

A/N: Again thanks for taking the time to read. At this time may I just say that I would appreciate some constructive criticism. I'd like to stress the word constructive. Happy Holidays!


	6. Chapter 6

SCENE 6

(Next day, the O'Hara's drive to Twelve Oaks for the barbeque there.)

Mr. O'HARA:: Well, John Wilkes. It's a grand day you'll be having for the barbecue.

JOHN WILKES: So it seems, Gerald. Why isn't Mrs. 0'Hara with you?

Mr. O'HARA: Who? (thinks a moment) Oh shit. You know this is the second time I've forgotten? Well I guess while she's there she can settle things with the over seer. That reminds me, I've got a funny story to tell you about that later.

JOHN WILKES: Oh? About what?

Mr. O'HARA: You remember Emmy? Let's just say you and I should be glad that we wrapped it before we tapped it.

(Just then India comes sidling up to the two of them.)

INDIA: Welcome to Twelve Oaks, Mr. O'Hara.

Mr. O'HARA: : Thank you kindly, India. Your daughter is getting prettier everyday, John.

(Mr. O'Hara tries to pinch her cheek but manages to grab hold of her neck skin which invites a yelp of pain from India while Mr. O'Hara tries and fails to make a cool recovery as he stumbles away)

JOHN WILKES: Oh, India, here are the O'Hara girls, we must greet them.

INDIA: I can't stand that harlot. If you'd see the way she throws herself at Ashley.

JOHN WILKES: Believe me everyone sees. It's his fault really. Shouldn't have lost control that day at the swimming hole. Which reminds me I have a funny story to tell you later.

INDIA:Oh? About what?

JOHN WILKES: Let's just say that after today I don't think Scarlett will be bothering your brother anymore. Anway, you must remember your duties as hostess. Good morning, girls! You look lovely. Good morning, Harlot! Er...*cough* Scarlett

(Scarlett glares.)

SCARLETT: India Wilkes. What a lovely dress. I just can't say that I've ever seen such an alarmingly attractive shade of baby poo on a dress before.

INDIA:(In stare down mode) What did you just say?

SCARLETT:(Obviously wussing out.) I said I just can't say that I've ever seen such an attractive shade of baby's dew before.

INDIA:What is baby's dew?

SCARLETT:What?

INDIA:What's a baby dew?

SCARLETT:I'm not sure. I haven't got any.

INDIA:What?

SCARLETT:I don't know what you're talking about.

INDIA:Whatever. Just watch your back around here. I have my ladies around.

SCARLETT:(muttering under her breath) Whatever

(Scarlett enters the hall with her family. Immediatly there's a scramble of men trying to get away as they see the huge straw hat bobbing about.)

SCARLETT: Good morning, Andrew

ANDREW: (In a hurry in passing) Morning.

SCARLETT: Look mighty fine this morning, William

WILLIAM: (Also hurrying past)Thank you.

SCARLETT: Good Morning Robert!

ROBERT: (Hurries out of the way into a nearby room.)

(Scarlett takes no notice because her eyes have found Ashley hiding behind a huge ornate vase.)

SCARLETT: Ashley!

ASHLEY: (Pops his head around the corner his face falling with dissapointment)...Hey Scarlett

SCARLETT: I've been looking for you everywhere. I've got something I must tell you. Can't we go some place where it's quiet?

ASHLEY: (Speaking quickly)Yes I'd like to, honest! But... right now I've got to go.

SCARLETT:Where are you going?

ASHLEY:(Hoping Scarlett won't want to meet her.) I'm going to greet Melanie Hamilton.

SCARLETT: Oh, do we have to?

ASHLEY: No. I said I had to go. You can stay right where you are. Better yet why don't you wait in the basement? I'll come get you later on.

SCARLETT:(Looks suspicious) That's what you said last month at Lucy Calvert's birthday party and when I got back you were all gone. NO! I'm coming with you to see Melanie.

ASHLEY:(sighs dejectedly then introduces them monotonously) Melanie--Scarlett. Scarlett--Melanie.

MELANIE: Last time I saw you, it was at the swimming hole. I wasn't at all expecting to see so much of you at once.

SCARLETT: (oblivious)Melanie Hamilton, what a surprise to run into you here. I hope you're going to stay with us a few days at least.

MELANIE: I hope I shall stay long enough to be entertained by more stories of your wayward ways.

ASHLEY: We'll keep her here, won't we, Scarlett?

SCARLETT: Oh, we'll just have to make the biggest fuss over her, won't we, Ashley? And if there's anybody who knows how to give a girl a good time, it's Ashley.

MELANIE: Oh, Scarlett. You would know better than anyone else I suppose about how boys show girls how to have a good time? Haven't you been spotted more than once with your feet above your head?

SCARLETT: You mustn't flatter me, Melanie, and say things you don't mean.

ASHLEY:(Grinning) Nobody could accuse Melanie of being insincere. Could they, my dear?

MELANIE:Fuck no.

SCARLETT: Oh, well then, she's not like you is she, Ashley? Ashley never means a word he says to any girl.

MELANIE:(looking away and muttering.) You would know....

SCARLETT:Oh, why Charles Hamilton, you handsome old thing, you.

CHARLES HAMILTON: (confused)But, oh. Miss O'Hara...

SCARLETT: Do you think that was kind to bring your good-looking brother down here just to break my poor, simple country-girl's heart?

MELANIE to CHARLES: Break whatever you want just don't bring her home.

(India and Sue Ellen are watching Scarlett in distance)

SUE ELLEN: Look at Scarlett, she's trying to get Charles to eat barbecue with her again. Let's watch. Should be entertaining.

SCARLETT: (nodding too vigorously) Charles Hamilton, I want to eat barbecue with you.

CHARLES HAMILTON: (Gives a sidelong glance at India who shrugs then laughs behind her hand.) I'm sorry. I can't. I have to bring my Macaw to the vet. He's having a glandular problem...

(Charles runs off as Scarlett suddenly sees her back up trying to rush back up the stairs after seeing her.)

SCARLETT: I do declare, Frank Kennedy, you don't look dashing with that new set of whiskers.

FRANK: Uh...thanks. Grow 'em myself.

SCARLETT: You know Charles Hamilton and Ray Calvert asked me to eat barbecue with them, but I told them I couldn't because I'd promised you.

INDIA: Watch this shit.

FRANK: What are you talking about? You didn't promise me anything. I haven't talked to you in 7 months. The last time I saw you, you had your face in the Tarleton's apples.

SCARLETT:(Trying to be seductive but with a crazy look in her eye.)No one's as good at apple bobbing as me.

FRANK:(muttering while walking away)Whatever...

KATHLEEN: What's your sister so mad about, Scarlett, you sparking her beau?

SCARLETT: Who's Beau? I haven't met him yet. But I'm sure he'll find me eventually. Men are drawn to me you know. They naturally flock to me.

KATHLEEN:...Right....

(Scarlett catches the eyes of the twins much to their dismay.)

SCARLETT:(Wearing what she believes is a teasing smile.) Brent and Stuart Tarelton! I'm mad at you! You haven't been near me all day and I wore this old dress just because I thought you liked it.

BRENT: How are we expected to remember any dress you wear when it usually ends up in a heap on the ground?

STEW: Except for that time at the swimming hole. (shudders)

SCARLETT: Oh, I never can make up my mind which of you two's the handsomer. I was awake all last night trying to figure it out.

BRENT:That's not much of a stretch either...

(The twins see their chance to escape and take it as Scarlett looks after them fondly. She turns around to see a dark haired man hanging onto the railing and staring at her point blank one inch away from her face.)

SCARLETT:(frightened)....Um...Kathleen? Who's that?

KATHLEEN: Who?

SCARLETT: (He has begun to attempt to rub noses with her) Who do you think?

KATHLEEN: My dear, don't you know? That's Rhett Butler. He's from Charleston. He has the most terrible reputation.

SCARLETT: He looks as if, as if he's undressing me with his eyes.

KATHLEEN:Well then let's go upstairs...

SCARLETT:Not yet! He's not even half done!

KATHLEEN: Scarlett! No one likes him. And then there's that business about that girl he wouldn't marry...

SCARLETT: (backing up and walking up the stairs backwards)What happened?

KATHLEEN: Well, he took off her glove in the late afternoon with only ONE chaperone and then, and then he refused to marry her!

SCARLETT: Did they....you know....

KATHLEEN:Did they what?

SCARLETT:(nudges her)You know....did they....do it

KATHLEEN:(not following)Do what?

SCARLETT:....you know....IT

KATHLEEN:What is IT?

SCARLETT:(exasperated)You know....sex....

KATHLEEN:WHAT?

(Scarlett and Kathleen begin walking up the stairs as Scarlett whispers in her ear.)

KATHLEEN:What? Oh!

(Scarlett whispers again.)

KATHLEEN:Really? Oh!

(Scarlett whispers a third time.)

KATHLEEN:(Getting it) Ohhhhhhh well no, but she was ruined just the same.

SCARLETT:(sighs)What a waste.

(They continue up the stairs and out of sight.)

A/N:Hey guys! Sorry it has been so long but here is the next chapter. It's a bit longer than the others. I'm already working on the next two scenes! I'll keep you guys posted. By the way, if you think that the story is getting to racy/coarse/crude please tell me. Sometimes I think things are funny and NO ONE else does. The original version of this scene had VERY crude sexual humor in it so I toned it down a lot because I thought it might be too much. Let me know what you think guys! Thanks for reading as always!


	7. Chapter 7

_(Ashley and Melanie, on the balcony open to the garden.) _

_MELANIE: Ashley.. _

_ASHLEY: Happy? _

_MELANIE: I could do with a light nosh but other than that yeah._

_ASHLEY: You seem to belong here._

_MELANIE: Yeah the balcony suits me doesn't it?_

_ASHLEY: ...Don't you love Twelve Oaks? _

_MELANIE: It wouldn't kill you to mow the lawn a bit more often, and the library needs new curtains. But we'll get to that after I move in._

_ASHLEY: I'm worried about when the war comes Melanie. I have so many problems._

_MELANIE: Problems? My dog just threw up a finger. THAT'S a problem. Don't worry so much about it honey...  
_

_(Noon time, the gentlemen are gathering in the downstairs hall, talking about the war.)_

_MR. O'HARA: We've borne enough insults from the meddling yankees. It's time we made them understand we'll do things our way with or without their approval. Who's to stop the right from the state of Georgia to bite right down to the tootsie roll? To eat the cookie without milk? To hate apple pie?_

_MAN: What are you talking about??? EVERYONE loves apple pie._

_Mr. O'HARA: The South must assert itself by force of arms. After we fired on the Yankee rascals at Fort Sumter, we've got to fight. There's no other way._

_MAN1: Fight, that's right, fight!_

_Mr. O'HARA: The situation is very simple. The Yankees can't fight and we can. _

_CHORUS: You're right!_

_MAN1: One Southerner can lick twenty lollies...I mean yankees._

_Mr. O'HARA: And what does the captain of our troop say?_

_ASHLEY: Well, gentlemen...Melanie thinks I should focus on making sure the lawn is mowed. And I agree with her._

_MAN1: But Ashley... _

_MAN2: Ashley, they've insulted us._

_MAN3: You can't mean that you don't want war._

_ASHLEY: Most of the miseries of the world were caused by wars. And when the wars were over, no one was left to mow the lawns. We can all learn a valuable lesson here._

_Mr. O'HARA: Now gentlemen, Mr. Butler has been up North I hear. Don't you agree with us, Mr. Butler?_

_RHETT BUTLER : I think we're pretty much fucked._

_CHARLES: What do you mean, sir?_

_RHETT: I mean, Mr. Hamilton, that there's not a cannon factory in the whole south._

_MAN: What difference does that make, sir, to a gentleman?_

_RHETT: Well since you're too simple to understand this let me dumb it down. Do you really think that you can just go up to a cannon factory up North once you've declared war and ask them, "Hey can you guys manufacture as many cannons as we need to help us beat you?" I don't fucking think so._

_CHARLES: Are you hinting, Mr. Butler, that the Yankees can lick us?_

_RHETT: No, I'm not hinting. I'm SAYING that the Yankees can lick you._

_MAN: That's treacherous!_

_CHARLES: I refuse to listen to any renegade talk!_

_RHETT: I don't know what you're talking about. MY name is Rhett. I don't know anyone named Renegade._

_CHARLES: Apologies aren't enough sir. _

_RHETT: I didn't apologize..... Mr. Wilkes, Perhaps you won't mind if I walk about and look over your place. I heard that the curtains in the library were horrible. Maybe I can come up with a better arrangement. _

_(Rhett Butler leaves the hall.)_

_MAN: Well, that's just about what you could expect from somebody like Rhett Butler._

_Mr. O'HARA: Honestly I think he might have had too much apple pie. Terrible stuff pie. _

_CHARLES: He refused to fight._

_ASHLEY: Shut up Charles. You better be damn happy he didn't put you on your prissy ass. _

_CHARLES: (whimpers) _

_ASHLEY: Yes, he's one of the best shots the country._

_CHARLES: Well, I'll show him._

_ASHLEY: No, no no, please, don't go tweaking his nose anymore. If I have to go to war I need SOMEONE to stay behind and watch the house. _

_CHARLES:(smiles bashfully) Aw. You mean that Ashley?_

_ASHLEY(ignoring Charles)Now if you'll excuse me, Mr. Butler's our guest... I think I'll just show  
him around. _

(Ashley leaves the room in order to find Rhett.)

A/N: I KNOW that this has taken a while to come out. Originally I was going to tack on the whole scene with Scarlett and Ashley in the library but since its taking me SO long to write that part as I have writer's block I figured I might as well post up these two smaller scenes. Hope you guys enjoyed them!


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gone With The Wind or any of it's characters. Margaret Mitchell does. **

**(Ashley is walking down the hall after Rhett when he hears a totally unsubtle screeching behind him. It's too late to hide so he follows Scarlett into the office she is beckoning him into.)**

**Ashley- Can we make this quick? I think me and Mr. Butler may have a breakthrough with the curtain arrangements. **

**(Scarlett just stares at him inching closer.)**

**Ashley- (Backing away) Are you ok? You're not blinking.**

**Scarlett- Oh Ashley, I love you!**

**(Ashley seizes up and holds his head.)**

**Ashley- Please! No!**

**Scarlett- I love you, I do!**

**Ashley- Look, I wasn't going to say anything but isn't it enough that we invited you to our barbeque at all? I JUST spent like 2 days convincing everyone that you'd recovered from your mental breakdown at the swimming hole and that you'd be ok. And what do you do? You break into my office wearing a dress made out of old doilies. **

**Scarlett-(tearing up) M-my m-m-mammy she-**

**Ashley- Whatever I don't want to know. **

**Scarlett- Oh please! We can run away together. Just the two of us. There'll be cake!**

**Ashley- There's cake here. I can tell you had your fair share of it too. **

**(Scarlett slaps Ashley)**

**Ashley-I shan't take this abuse. I bid you good day.**

**Scarlett-But-**

**Ashley-I SAID GOOD DAY!**

**(Ashley storms out and slams the door.)**

**(Scarlett in a huff looks around for something to throw, because apparently that will make everything ok. Finding nothing she hurls herself at the fireplace stumbling over the couch containing Rhett's napping body as she does so.)**

**Rhett-Fail.**

**Scarlett- (shocked) Sir, you should have made your presence known?**

**Rhett- (pointing)Rejected! It's ok though, it wouldn't have worked out.**

**Scarlett-Why not?**

**Rhett-C'mon. He's marrying his cousin. He's OBVIOUSLY gay.**

**Scarlett-Shut up. You aren't fit to wipe his boot.**

**Rhett-I'd lick your boots. **

**Scarlett-What?!**

**Rhett-I'm just kidding. (strained whisper) I would. **

**(Scarlett glares and slams the door behind her as she leaves.)**

**A/N:Hello again! I KNOW it's been months since my last update but I haven't abandoned the story. I'm just having writers block and things are stressful at work and - *lies down on couch* things aren't working at at home either and I've just been feeling so alone. *cries* Nah I'm just kidding. Hope you all are well and that you enjoyed this chapter. More to come as soon as I make headway. ;) Also if you haven't noticed I like to quote movies and tv shows in my writing. See if you can guess what lines are from shows. I'll give you a hint. In here there is one line from That 70's Show and one from the movie Waiting...also an obscure one from Friends. So there are 3. I'll reveal the answers in the next chapter! **


	9. Chapter 9

(Crying Scarlett makes her way to the kitchen to console herself with some left over cake when she hears someone say her name on the stairs. No one ever talks about her! So she listens in, eating the lipstick off her lips as a small snack while she waits.)

Suellen- Didn't you guys see how pathetic she still is? Ashley was wrong to invite her. Did you see her with Charles?

India- It was kind of funny. She's Soooo sad.

Melanie- You're wrong!

(Both girls stop and stare.)

Melanie- I've been thinking, and the girl can't help it if she's mentally unstable. She's not the only one I know with her condition. Lots of people in my family have mental and nervous conditions I wonder why that happens?

India- Maybe we should stop marrying our cousins…

(The other two girls stare at her and then all three burst into laughter.)

Melanie- How do you come up with this stuff?

India- (Wiping her eyes) I don't know, Mel.

(Under the stairs Scarlett is stunned.)

Scarlett-(to herself) Oh my god! The golden trio were gossiping about me! I am SO in!

(She is about to follow them when all hell breaks loose. It's WAR! It's EXCITING! It's NOW!)

(Scarlett makes her way through all the people and spots Charles. She grips his arm because he tries to squirm away. He yelps.)

Charles-You've got quite a grip for a girl.

Scarlett- 8 years of soft ball.

Charles- That's nice, but I better go.

Scarlett-What's happening?

Charles- Well, Tom got a letter from Phyllis who heard from Dave that Janine's cousin and husband Arthur has it on good authority that there's a good chance that there might be a battle three hours away from here. We're gonna go help!

Scarlett- (looks out the window) Everybody?

(She spots Melanie passionately kissing Ashley's handkerchief goodbye while two chaperones look on.)

Chaperone 1- Keep that handkerchief where I can see it!

Scarlett- Please Charles! I just realized that the plot can't go on unless you marry me.

Charles-Are you having one of your (whispers) incidents?

Scarlett-Incident this.

(She throws herself over Charles in a kiss and puts his hands on her chest with alarming dexterity and speed. She also manages to yell.)

Scarlett-DADDY!

(Gerald slides over from the punch bowl and takes in the scene. He sees a chance to get rid of his wayward daughter and seizes it.)

Charles- (spluttering) P-p-please Mr. O'Hara, I-I was just-

Mr. O'Hara-You were just what? (does a complicated dance step and pulls a shot gun out of his coat tails) You were just asking me for my daughters hand in marriage right?

Charles-O-oh please!

Mr. O'Hara-RIGHT?!

(Charles sighs dejectedly and pulls off his West Point ring and gives it to Scarlett.)

Mr. O'Hara-I'm sure you two will be very happy together! Now let's make haste to the wedding scene before you get to antsy.

A/N: Hey all! I guess once I got the ball rolling again my writers block eased somewhat. So while I'm here I will reveal the three quotes from last chapter. The obscure Friends reference is Ashley saying "Are you ok? You're not blinking?" Rachael tells Monica this when she is about to move out of their apartment so Chandler can move in. The quote from That 70's Show is "I SAID GOOD DAY." Fes says it in an episode. The line from Waiting…is not exactly word for word but in the movie there's a part where Ryan Reynolds says that his fellow co-worker is pretty cute and he'd probably even pay. He shrugs it off as a joke and then says in a strangled voice, "I would." I used that in the boot scene because I think it's pretty funny. Sorry for the long author's note. I want to thank you all for your kind reviews and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	10. Chapter 10

**(At the wedding Scarlett stares at Charles' best man while the priest has them repeat the vows.)**

**Priest- I Scarlett take thee Charles**

**Scarlett- I Scarlett take thee Ashley**

**(Melanie rolls her eyes.)**

**Priest-(Confused) Miss O'Hara…would you like to try that again?**

**Scarlett-No, not really. Charles?**

**Charles-My life is over. Nothing will ever happen to me anymore. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.**

**(Once the ceremony is over Ashley bends to kiss his new sister-in-law on the cheek. He says good-bye since he and Charles are leaving for war.)**

**Scarlett-Wait! You can't leave! I have a problem…**

**Ashley-(Irritated) What is it?**

**Scarlett- I-I'm not wearing a bra….**

**Ashley- (Surprised) Oh! Well here take mine.**

**(He pulls a flashy red bra out of his pocket and gives it to her. She holds it to her chest and cries.)**

**Scarlett-(Sobbing) Y-you always know what to do Ashley!**

**Charles-Don't worry. You'll pay for this when I get back. I know my rights.**

**Scarlett-What rights?**

**Charles- A husband has the right to beat his wife with a stick as long as its not thicker than this thumb. Those rights. They don't call me Thick Thumbed Charles for nothing. **

**(Scarlett is shocked into silence for the probably the first time ever.)**

**A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! The next chapter is already written so it should be up soon as well. ******


	11. Chapter 11

**Scene 11**

**(Not long after her wedding and Charles departure Scarlett gets a letter. She hands it to Mammy.)**

**Scarlett-You read it.**

**Mammy- You know damn well I can't read. You twit.**

**Scarlett-(Incredulous) Why not?**

**Mammy- Your family has been repressing mine for over a century.**

**Scarlett- Really? I thought you liked it here.**

**(Mammy gives her a glare of pure hatred.)**

**Scarlett-…We're all going to hell aren't we?**

**Mammy-Probably.**

**(Scarlett slowly picks up the letter and reads it aloud.)**

**Dear Scarlett,**

**OMG! What's up gurl? Not much here. Just chillin da war! My roommate is soooo kool! We kick it every night. Man this place is da bomb! Get to stay up late, talk all night and play truth or dare! Oh! G2g gurl some shit ****just**** went down! TTYL**

**Luv,**

**General Lee**

**P.S Charles is dead.**

**Scarlett-OH MY GOD!**

**Mammy-What?!**

**Scarlett- He color coded his letter by subject! That is ****so**** cool!**

**Mammy- Didn't you get that last part? Your husband died.**

**Scarlett-Who cares? Now my life can finally start. Maybe Melanie'll die.**

**Mammy-No….your life is pretty much over.**

**Scarlett-What are you babbling about?**

**Mammy-Yea, clear your schedule for like the next 5 years. Cause there's only going to be one thing you'll be doing.**

**Scarlett-What's that? **

**Mammy-Mournin' bitch!**

**Scarlett-Nooooooo!**

**A/N-Let me know what you think guys! Till later and thank you for reading!**


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